Tuesday, September 29, 2009


On Saturday we celebrated Adam's grandfather's 90th birthday. What a milestone! We are both lucky enough to still have some living grandparents. It's been a blessing to get to know them as adults. Memories abound with times spent with them. They have lived through so very much. As I begin to tell my children stories of how I grew up without cell phones, iPods, or email I remember that our grandparents are witnesses to so much more change and so much more history. I wonder if that is why we resist change so much more as we get older? Do you just get tired of it?

Four generations of Willards gathered together to celebrate Granddad's big day. What a legacy -- to observe the physical similarities, character traits, and values passed down through the generations. It's just a reminder that no matter how we try to be our own person, your family has a significant impact on who you are. Among all of the accomplishments and genes passed down, their most important legacy to us has been their faith in Jesus Christ. A seed planted...no matter how far in the growing process it is in each of us. Thank you for passing on your faith in Christ. Thank you for taking me to church. Thank you for planting a seed that when the time was right would grow and flourish within. I don't know how I could live this life without Him!

Psalm 100:5 "For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations."

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Reality of Blah

I have been super busy these past weeks. I haven't really had time to think of something profound to write on the blog. Today I'm feeling blah. It happens to the best of us. Usually when I'm feeling blah it means I'm feeling sorry for myself. God has been speaking to me today, particularly through women's bible study this morning. When we're feeling blucky, why do we fight Him so much? So the conviction came as I heard God say, through our bible study leader, not to let my circumstances dictate how I respond to God's calling for me. I am not going to Him when circumstances are blucky. Instead, I'm trying to handle it my own way and getting frustrated because there is really nothing I can do to change my "circumstances". Duh! It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't already know all of this about myself. I wish I could be more like Abram in Genesis 12 who obeyed God with unselfish motives. He knew he would only be a part of God's plan and would never see the glorious ending. I know I'm part of the plan, but I feel so impatient about wanting to get to the glorious conclusion.

This blog is supposed to be encouraging. I hope that by sharing my heart on the blah days it reminds you that we all have them. We all want to change our circumstances every now and then, but sometimes it's not up to us. Sometimes we just have to keep our head up long enough for the waves to recede.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

A Bandaid Can't Fix This

Heart breaking. Tears flowing. I hope I don't have to get used to this. I'm crying because I held it in. I'm crying because I'm proud of him. I'm crying because I wish it didn't have to be this hard. I believe "this too shall pass", but it's hard right now. I did the right thing. I did all I could do. But he still had to go and I had to make him. The very thing we resist may be exactly what we need to do. I believe that. Caleb is still struggling with the making new friends part of school. We're still in a transition, so I know time will help. But we're not there yet. We're not a month into school when he will be happy, content, and surrounded by friends. We're here, on our third week, and it's still hard.

Last night's lesson: God does not say that we will not have to endure hard things. He says that when hard things come that He will be with us and help us through them. I believe it's doing the hard thing that turns out being the best thing. You look back at where you have been and see that even though it was hard you did it anyway. That's life, isn't it? Doing the hard things?

Last night's lesson Part2: God made you this way. There is nothing wrong with you because you have a harder time making new friends. Making new friends is hard for most people. In fact, God will use your cautious, observant nature for your good. Maybe you don't have hundreds of friends, but maybe the friends you do make will be really special because you know how hard it was to make them.

Mommy's lesson: Being a Mom is going to break your heart sometimes. But it's also going to be a great blessing. Dear God, help me to know what to say. Give me wisdom to know when to push and when to let him process. Give me patience and acceptance of who he is because he is special and unique and You have a great plan for him. Help him meet a special friend. Lead the right child to reach out to him and ask him to play. And help me to remember that you do love him more than my own capacity to love him and I can have confidence that You are there helping to figure all of this out.

Thursday, September 10, 2009


So my last entry was all about how grace isn't fair. And today my husband and I "celebrated" the anniversary of a day that was truly stinky. It's been 5 years since that "fateful" day, but we are all the better for it. In honor of where we are, where we've been, and the grace that makes it all possible, "Grace" by U2, kind of says it all.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Grace Isn't Fair

There's really nothing fair about grace. In fact, before "all of this" I didn't really understand what grace actually was. Give him grace! Did that mean let it slide this time? Not that I spent a lot of time thinking about the word. You always hear about God's grace --Amazing Grace! What is that anyway? Grace doesn't make sense from a human perspective. We want it to be about people deserving it. But it's not. Not one of us deserves grace. Grace is a gift -- like forgiveness. You don't give it because someone has earned it or deserves it.

I looked GRACE up in the dictionary and it said, "GRACE is unmerited favor, mercy, compassion. MERCY is compassion or forebearance shown to an offender. FOREBEARANCE is restraint, patience." Basically, grace means you see the flaws and don't hold it against them. You have compassion on someone because you know how flawed you are. In some cases, I believe you can give someone grace without really deciding to do it. Isn't that what LOVE is all about? Love is not an emotion, it's an action. Grace is giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Grace is a God thing. I think we can give grace because God gives it to us. You can't be in a healthy, long lasting relationship without grace. Your spouse is going to mess up. Your friend is going to let you down. Your family is not perfect. You're either going to end every relationship because someone failed you or you are going to give people grace, knowing that they are imperfect humans (just like you).

I love this quote from John Piper, "Be a tree, not a cut flower." He's talking about endurance, perseverance, sticking it out. He's talking about love. Stay put. Let your roots grow, dig down into the ground, getting stronger with time. Be the shade for those around you. A cut flower lasts only a short time before it whithers and dies. A tree lasts. It doesn't pull it's roots up and leave. What a beautiful word picture! That's what I want to be. A strong tree, planted by God in just the right place. And leaving is not my choice. So no matter what anyone does to me, I'll stay there knowing that God planted me there and when He wants me to move, He will move me or take me home.

O to grace,
how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be.
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter (a chain), bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart,
O take and seal it,
seal it for Thy courts above!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

School Success (Part 1)

A new school. A new grade. New friends, well not really yet. My brave Caleb started school on Monday. There were no tears, no holding back. Excited, ready, and a little bit anxious. He did something I knew was hard for him and he did it with courage. Can you tell I'm proud of him? It's only the 3rd day. He says school is great, better than he expected. He likes his teacher, Ms. Western. This is kind of a continuing saga. Back in June I wrote a post called Flying Leap about our decision to switch schools.

My prayer for now is that time will help him make new friends. That he will continue to participate in class and with his classmates because I know that's hard for him, but so far he is doing a great job!

And it's only day 3 but I miss him already. I'm trying not to think about the fact that Ellie starts pre-K in a couple of weeks and I will be childless for atleast a few hours 3 morning a week. It's nice in some ways, but also a little bittersweet. I'm holding on tightly as time slips through my fingers. They need this. After staying home with Mom since birth, they need to figure out the world a little bit on their own. And I need the practice of letting them go so they can try.

Who knew you could love anything as much as you love your children? With all the love I have for them, I cannot fathom the way God must love each of us. My kids are not mine. They are His. I just get the joy and blessing of having them in my life for as long as God allows. And I know He loves them more than I can. That's why I can have confidence when I pray for them that He wants what is best for them. And the best for them may not be what I have in mind.

Oh, I forgot to tell you. When I took Caleb for a reading assessment at his new public school, we openned the office door and heard "Shout to the Lord" playing from one of the offices. God is so awesome! He knew that's all I needed. To be reminded that He is there. That He is with Caleb when he's alone on the playground hoping to make a new friend. And that He will watch over and protect Him when I can't be there.
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