Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Guilty as Charged! (ASHMWKSFD Pt2)
With shopping list in hand I push my cart up and down the aisles filled with food. It's early and not at all crowded...just the way I like it. I bag up my produce, order my lunchmeat, and collect the items I will use to feed our family for the week. This was always an errand I didn't mind running, but it was always more complicated with the children. There were many days when I wished I could run in alone. It certainly wouldn't take me as long...and there would be no stop-touching-that's or come-back-here's to be uttered.
But today, I was alone.
Now if I could just preface this post by stating that I am okay. I am just trying to be real here. I'm not depressed. I'm not sitting in the house all day crying because my kids are at school and no one is here. The reality, though, is NO ONE IS HERE. And I'm feeling so bad these days at being alone. Once upon a time I was somewhat alone. I was independent and made choices for myself. I guess I underestimated how much motherhood can impact you. And I know as time goes on I will figure it all out and I might actually like the alone time. But I have a feeling I'm not the only one that's ever felt this way, so I'm going to share what I'm feeling for those Moms that totally get where I'm coming from.
So back to the grocery store....I'm pushing my cart down the dairy aisle and my ear catches a line from the song playing over the store's speakers. "Blah, blah, blah ALONE". "Blah, blah, blah ALONE". I keep hearing the word "alone" and the voice inside my head says "you are so bad at alone". Then, my cell phone rings ("And I would walk ten thousand miles...") and it's my loving husband who KNOWS I'm ALONE calling in to check on me. And I tell him about the "blah, blah, blah alone" song ("Alone" by Heart) playing over the loudspeakers and how I was just saying to myself that I'm really terrible at being alone and he laughs.
I am not pathetic (atleast that's what I tell myself). I haven't been alone all day in 8 years. I don't know how to be alone. How do I spend my time? Do I do errands and chores all day? Does that mean I'm a good stay-at-home Mom? Can I sit on the couch and read a book? Or watch that girly movie we rented but didn't have time to watch that has to be back at the store tomorrow or we have to pay extra for it (and I'm NOT doing THAT)? Does that mean I'm a slacker? What if other people knew I was sitting on the couch eating bon-bons? Would they even care?
So all of THAT thinking leads me to this blog post about GUILT! There, I said it. Basically I think I'm bad at being alone because I have a guilt complex. I have a long list of things to do. Staying at home is pretty much my job...or was it taking care of the children? Because they aren't here all day anymore. So what am I supposed to do? What does this stay at home Mom do when her kids are in school full day?
And besides guilt there is this overwhelming feeling like I don't know who I am anymore or what my purpose is because my main purpose is at school all day. Becoming a mother is like this identity that seeps into you slowly and before you know it it is who you are. And if you aren't careful it becomes the ONLY thing you think you can offer anymore.
I know that I need "me" time. I deserve "me" time. But what does that look like in the day to day? I traded no "me" time for a day full of it and now I don't even know what to do with myself. I can't even use this "me" time for me because I feel guilty not doing any "work". Is your head spinning? Because I am an over-thinker. Maybe that's why this is so hard for me. Too much time to think.
My fellow ASHMWKSFD's...how do you spend your days? And how do you do it guilt-free? Or is that just a dream I've convinced myself I can achieve? I'd love it if you would share your secrets with me.