Thursday, January 30, 2014

When You're Afraid to Feel

There's something wild going on inside of me. I'm feeling things I never let myself feel before (or at least not for very long).

I'm in a therapy season and the other day I was telling my counselor about an emotion I was having and no sooner had it left my lips then I said something negative about myself like, "I know I shouldn't have felt that way."

And she stopped me and asked me, "Why not feel that way?"

She has a way of pausing me. Because I don't really know why it's not okay for me to feel that way.

Don't know why I'm not allowed to have a negative emotion. And when I do, I'm like a locomotive barreling down the track, racing to get through it.

Maybe I'm afraid that people won't like that side of me. Or maybe I won't like myself. That there's something bad about feeling bad. I didn't have "get over it" parents. So maybe it has roots in the people-pleasing and the lack of boundaries. I'm still working all of that out.

My pattern of living has been quickly pushing through awkward, uncomfortable, angry feelings so all can be right in my world again. Escaping feelings of disappointment, feeling excluded, and even grief.

But I'm not doing that anymore. And it's both terrifying and painful, to be honest.

I have been risking rejection this past month with some blog friends — putting ourselves out there in big and small ways.

One of the biggest personal risks I have been taking recently is to not push through my emotions. To sit in this space and feel the yucky feelings I have been trying to avoid my whole life.

I can't take the easy route or the shortcut. I'm just walking straight up the giant mountain.

I am a bit tired and weary.

Some days I just want to jump back on the train.

I hear myself whining, "Am I there yet?" but I know this is refining me and only God knows how long that will take.

Do you push through difficult feelings? How do you take care of yourself in the midst of them?

Linking with: 

Amy Sullivan and her #riskrejection link-up.


Amy Sullivan said...

Here's what I've found…sometimes getting angry just feels good. It's empowering. Not in a crazy, road rage kind of way, but in a "this is not ok, and I'm going to let you know" kind of way.

I love the feeling of strength it brings, and here's something I've discovered, my daughter watches my every move. She leans towards people pleasing, and it's been a struggle to show her it's fine to get angry and let people know, and it's actually healthy!

Anyway, carry on, brave girl! So thrilled you decided to participate in #RiskRejection with all of us.

Melody said...

Thank you for being so real and raw in this space of yours. It really is refreshing. I tend to have negative thoughts and feelings but quickly dismiss them - not a good thing - and move on quickly. But this builds up over time and then out of nowhere it ends up coming out. So acknowledging it and taking that thought captive quickly is key for me, deciding if it's truth or lie, pure or from the enemy and then handing it over to God to take away. I wish I did this the majority of the time. Sigh.

Positively Alene said...

Oh my stars -- people pleasing just sucks. I'm a fellow pleaser. I try to mold my life to what others want and it ends up sucking the life out of me in the process. Oh to be free girl! WOW love this post. Risky post and it's truth.

amber@gracetobe said...

oh, i hear ya on the, "am i there yet?" part. i know hardships push us deeper into jesus but my flesh rises up at times like, "hey.. i think this is deep enough!!"

whatever it is your working through, keep keeping on, sister! you're not alone on this ~


ps i'm not even sure how i happened on your site - i was clicking around from holley's. but i'm glad i landed here. :)

Mary Jo said...

Ahhhh... sitting in our emotions can be a hard thing. So proud of you for going for it. Cheering you on!

Unknown said...

Yes, so hard! I'm having to teach my girls this lesson, and they haven't had a very good example. But they are what makes me determined to do as you say--allow myself to feel whatever it is and then, and only then, decide what to do with it. Keep at it--I am guessing (hoping?) it gets easier with practice.

Unknown said...

Thank you all for sharing with me here! Certainly helps me feel understood — that I'm not alone. Feeling very encouraged!


Beth Ingersoll said...

Kudos to you for recognizing that need, and taking steps to deal with it. Praying as you keep trudging up that mountain...

Susan Nowell @ My Place to Yours said...

"I am a bit tired and weary." That's the line that jumped off the page at me. Christy, when your mind and spirit are exhausted, especially from unresolved pain, you need to listen to the voice saying, "Be still, and know that I am God." Stay in the moment and let the healing begin. Do it for yourself – and your family – no matter how hard it is.

Love your bravery!

PinkStripeySocks said...

I'm sending you over a hug because you are being brave and doing tough, but important things. It was wonderful getting to know you this month.

Courtney said...

This is so wise, and so familiar. I've had a similar therapy session and was asked the question, "Why can't you feel that way?" - after all, they are your feelings! What a revelation. And such permission to work through it. Good for you.

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