Thursday, January 30, 2014
When You're Afraid to Feel
There's something wild going on inside of me. I'm feeling things I never let myself feel before (or at least not for very long).
I'm in a therapy season and the other day I was telling my counselor about an emotion I was having and no sooner had it left my lips then I said something negative about myself like, "I know I shouldn't have felt that way."
And she stopped me and asked me, "Why not feel that way?"
She has a way of pausing me. Because I don't really know why it's not okay for me to feel that way.
Don't know why I'm not allowed to have a negative emotion. And when I do, I'm like a locomotive barreling down the track, racing to get through it.
Maybe I'm afraid that people won't like that side of me. Or maybe I won't like myself. That there's something bad about feeling bad. I didn't have "get over it" parents. So maybe it has roots in the people-pleasing and the lack of boundaries. I'm still working all of that out.
My pattern of living has been quickly pushing through awkward, uncomfortable, angry feelings so all can be right in my world again. Escaping feelings of disappointment, feeling excluded, and even grief.
But I'm not doing that anymore. And it's both terrifying and painful, to be honest.
I have been risking rejection this past month with some blog friends — putting ourselves out there in big and small ways.
One of the biggest personal risks I have been taking recently is to not push through my emotions. To sit in this space and feel the yucky feelings I have been trying to avoid my whole life.
I can't take the easy route or the shortcut. I'm just walking straight up the giant mountain.
I am a bit tired and weary.
Some days I just want to jump back on the train.
I hear myself whining, "Am I there yet?" but I know this is refining me and only God knows how long that will take.
Do you push through difficult feelings? How do you take care of yourself in the midst of them?
Amy Sullivan and her #riskrejection link-up.