Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Feeling Weak -- Day 7 of recovery

"Keep moving forward", I keep telling myself. It's all I could do to get out of bed this morning.

Since the Great Tonsilectomy of 2010 this family has been thrown into a whirlwind. Everything in me knew I could handle what was ahead. Surrendering my child to God as they wheeled her down the cold hospital hallway to the operating room. Knowing I was going to have to handle whatever happened, the best or the worst. You may think I'm being a tad dramatic, but the truth is this gift of life, my child, was being wheeled away from me and I chose this for her. Not being there. Not being in control of what was happening in that room and trusting a man I had only met once before to take care of my child the way I would want him to. This would be hard on anyone.

The week became a blur. The days meshed together. The sun and exhaustion the only things telling me the day was done and a new one was to start.

How "easy" it was to surrender my child to God on the operating table. How much harder it was to surrender her to God once she was back in my care. I am the Mom. God made me to care for and nurture my child. It is my job. The job I treasure more than all others. A blessing, but sometimes laborious, painful, demanding, and wearisome. The pain of birth, the pain of growth, the pain of letting go. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Parenting, when you are really in the trenches, is not easy.

Woe to this controlling woman. This is a fight, to the core of me. Needing to help. Being able. Being strong. I am the one that can handle anything.

Is this the lesson I am to learn? More then ice chips help and pain meds should not be taken on an empty stomach? Do I want to depend on Someone bigger, but can't - won't under pressure? When did I embrace the lie that I could only depend on myself? This sin is bigger then I can see. How can I be cured?

"This is what the LORD says: 'Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD.'" (JEREMIAH 17:5)

What if I can't do it? What if I don't know how? Would that be so horrible? If Someone else was given a chance to carry the burden for me? Who am I to decide how things should go? What do I know anyway?

And God speaks...in a passage from Job...and I take a deep breath and remember the God who created everything is in control of everything and there is a reason that I panic when I don't feel in control. It's because I am not in control and never was. HE is the God of the universe, the creator of all things. Nothing happens without Him knowing it. Leave it in His capable hands!

Other posts on the tonsil & adenoid surgery:

Day two
Day three
Day four
Day five
Day seven
An Addendum

JOB 38
The LORD Speaks
1 Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:
2 "Who is this that darkens my counsel
with words without knowledge?
3 Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.
4 "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
5 Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
6 On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone-
7 while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels [a] shouted for joy?
8 "Who shut up the sea behind doors
when it burst forth from the womb,
9 when I made the clouds its garment
and wrapped it in thick darkness,
10 when I fixed limits for it
and set its doors and bars in place,
11 when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther;
here is where your proud waves halt'?
12 "Have you ever given orders to the morning,
or shown the dawn its place,
13 that it might take the earth by the edges
and shake the wicked out of it?
14 The earth takes shape like clay under a seal;
its features stand out like those of a garment.
15 The wicked are denied their light,
and their upraised arm is broken.
16 "Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea
or walked in the recesses of the deep?
17 Have the gates of death been shown to you?
Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death [b] ?
18 Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth?
Tell me, if you know all this.
19 "What is the way to the abode of light?
And where does darkness reside?
20 Can you take them to their places?
Do you know the paths to their dwellings?
21 Surely you know, for you were already born!
You have lived so many years!
22 "Have you entered the storehouses of the snow
or seen the storehouses of the hail,
23 which I reserve for times of trouble,
for days of war and battle?
24 What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed,
or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth?
25 Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain,
and a path for the thunderstorm,
26 to water a land where no man lives,
a desert with no one in it,
27 to satisfy a desolate wasteland
and make it sprout with grass?
28 Does the rain have a father?
Who fathers the drops of dew?
29 From whose womb comes the ice?
Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens
30 when the waters become hard as stone,
when the surface of the deep is frozen?
31 "Can you bind the beautiful [c] Pleiades?
Can you loose the cords of Orion?
32 Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons [d]
or lead out the Bear [e] with its cubs?
33 Do you know the laws of the heavens?
Can you set up God's [f] dominion over the earth?
34 "Can you raise your voice to the clouds
and cover yourself with a flood of water?
35 Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?
Do they report to you, 'Here we are'?
36 Who endowed the heart [g] with wisdom
or gave understanding to the mind [h] ?
37 Who has the wisdom to count the clouds?
Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens
38 when the dust becomes hard
and the clods of earth stick together?
39 "Do you hunt the prey for the lioness
and satisfy the hunger of the lions
40 when they crouch in their dens
or lie in wait in a thicket?
41 Who provides food for the raven
when its young cry out to God
and wander about for lack of food?

No comments:

Related Posts with Thumbnails