"Now what?" I ask myself.
It's been nearly 10 years since my pink painted toes touched the pad of a trampoline. I feel awkward and my eyes scan the backyard for gawking neighbors.
What on earth am I doing on here?
I stand on wobbling legs and begin a light bounce — my feet stay on the pad. There will be no "big air" today.
A smile creeps across my face and I quietly laugh at, I mean, to myself. Why is this so hard?
Author, Laura Boggess, talks about the "self-imposed rules (we) subscribe to" in her new book, Playdates With God: Having a Childlike Faith in a Grown-Up World. These unwritten rules squash my joy and my freedom and hold me back from who I want to be, but more importantly, from God.
It's while I'm standing unsure, feet glued to the trampoline that I wonder where all the fun went.
As a kid I was very active in sports, in music, in theater. I laughed with friends and I went on long walks around the arboretum where we lived. I rode my bike and I climbed trees. I scampered down the tree lined bank and threw rocks in or fished or just listened to the murky crick water as it slowly flowed by.
Adulthood hit me like a swirling tornado. It scooped me up and I never looked back. It was in this season that I began to deal with the scars of my childhood sexual abuse. Joy became a forgotten memory. The playfulness of youth replaced by responsibilities, demands, and emotional turmoil.
But I feel a nudge inside of me now. A longing to break free — most days from my own self.
Laura shares this quote from Donald Miller, "People love to have lived a great story, but few people like the work it takes to make it happen. But joy costs pain."
I see my longings as a healing gift. There was a time, not too long ago, that I didn't recognize that my desires matter. That I mattered.
The past drags me down some days and the healing process can feel long and hard. I busy myself with routine and schedule, filling my days with important things — but not the most important thing.
For the "rule bound," meeting with God may feel like another thing you have to do. Perhaps you think it needs to look a certain way making the structured quiet time feel like just another thing to check off the "to-do" list.
What if I deliberately invited God into my day? What might that look like?
Perhaps Joy is waiting for me as I feel the sun's warmth on my skin or listen to a bird's song from the trees or in discovering beauty in the right now.
And maybe these sacred moments with God will mend the tears and remind me of all that God can do.
"When did my imagination become so small that I stopped expecting the seemingly impossible (with God)?"
Laura Boggess, Playdates With God
To learn more about Laura Boggess' book you may be interested in watching this trailer:
This is a post from my 31 days of Healing in Him series. You can find all the posts in this series here, updated each day in October. Category: Inspirational & Faith #write31Days
Also linking up today with Jennifer Lee for #TellHisStory.